This is a very difficult time for me and I’m not sure how to put my feelings into words just yet.
My husband, Joe, suddenly passed away, May 18th at around 12:00 noon. I’ve written about Joe often over the past three years and most will recognize him by his pet name, Mr. Tastebuds. We were married 27 years and even though I’ve always considered myself a very independent person, I did not know just how dependent I was on Joe until yesterday. And it’s not the big things like paying the mortgage! It’s the little things like who brings in the mail and makes the morning coffee.
I’ve cried until I have no more tears but it does not make the hole in my life and heart any smaller. I was not ready to give him up just yet…not ready at all. I have my family and my friends but I don’t think I have ever felt as alone as I do right now. As my yahrtzeit candle burns and finally flickers out at the end of day seven, I doubt my tears will stop.
And of course Joe is everywhere in our home. I’ve found that if I stay in my office, I am somewhat isolated and I can get some things done without breaking down. But as soon as I walk out my office door, I am surrounded with memories. From his jacket hanging on the back of the kitchen chair to the magazine folded open to the last article he read and his glasses carefully placed to the side. Joe is not only in my heart and mind, he is everywhere I turn or glance. And I am not ready to put these tangible memories away. People tell me to take my time and there will come a day when I can let go, but I don’t think I want that day to come. I don’t want to let go of my husband.
You all know that both Joe and I are huge Rottweiler lovers and even the dogs are sensing a loss. Although Eva, our youngest female Rottweiler, is very bonded to me and rarely leaves my side, this morning I found Eva, all alone, curled up in Joe’s bathroom. She has never laid down in Joe’s bathroom before, not ever. It broke my heart.
I’ve made 100s of decisions in the last few days and I am facing 1000s more in the next few months. As to what I will be doing next year or even tomorrow, I don’t have a clue.
At this point I’ve decided to put my blog on hiatus. I’m not sure how long I will be gone or even if I will ever be back food blogging again. But I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to visit my blog. And to our special friends, you all know who you are, please stop every once in a while and think of Joe and I. And I promise I will feel the hug, I always do!
Take care,
Michelle
PS: It was very difficult for me to write this post. It just makes Joe’s death so real. I am having a horrible time just getting my own head around what happened so if I don’t respond to your comments and emails, please understand that I just can’t right now. I just can’t.
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